Tips on Gittin Sum 101: Messaging Chicks
Let me preface this by readily admitting that I am not a dating professional - you couldn't pay me enough! Well, I may be open to the right generous offer or financially-backed marriage proposal... But anyway, I have suffered through the online dating world enough times to have learned lessons so excruciating the only way for me to heal is to share them with y'all. It began primarily as me self-reporting on my OK Cupid profile, for potential boytoys to ponder. I've gotten fan mail from many gentlemen who appreciate my candor and applaud my standards, and the occasional hate message from those that can only get it up by putting me down.
Below are excerpts from sections of my gargantuan OK Cupid profile. The online dating world is full of strange creatures that defy evolution. For the sake of the future of our species, we must propagate the wisdom of our experiences! May the edification ensue!
You should message me if...
February 2012: If your profile has anything along the lines of "I don't really know how to describe myself, I guess I'm pretty cool" don't ever expect a response from me. If you can't write or think, I can't even waste my time giving you my condolences.
April 2012: Actually, just message me if you are between 90-110 years old and are really, really rich.
May 2012: Gentlemen - I expanded my "looking for" to 99 years of age (OKC doesn't go to 110, sorry older boys! I try!). Please understand that the older you are, the more I expect to be impressed by you. You've been around longer and have had more life experience (if you took advantage of it, I would hope). You should already know that is your advantage over the younger peckers on this website. Otherwise, you've just explained to me exactly why you are on this website at your age.
June 2012: Dudes, if I get a message from you insisting I'm doing myself a huge favor by replying to you... believe me, I'll be doing YOU a huge favor by NOT replying to you.
July 2012: Hmmm, after seeing my ex's online dating profile, it dawns on me just how many lies people will say to snare a snatch. Any man worth his salty goodness ought to know he had better prove himself beyond the masses of bullshit out there.
Got a problem with the fact that I think most of you are full of it? Great! Click Ctrl-Command-W now!
August PSA: Do you keep company with people who think it's funny to demean others? Do you laugh when your friends disrespect women? Does circle jerking or being obnoxious earn you points with your pals? Is your favorite sport to play with buddies the "fuck this fucking shit I only fucking know how to say fuck, Jesus Fucking Christ as loud as possible since I can't find my tiny little dick" game? In other words, are your friends assholes? Well guess what - that makes YOU an asshole too!
August Hate Mail Bag: I can only assume that the hate mail I'm getting from guys who call ME a man hater, tell me I drive men to suicide (Several of you, really? Give your gender a little credit! They won't self-destruct in my presence), accuse me of being high maintenance (high standards are NOT high maintenance), and having a cold dead heart (among other anatomical judgments), really stems from the fact that I threaten the whole recessive lot of them.
It continues to blow my mind that those idiots, being idiots after all, don't get off my page and stop reading when they hit the first part of my profile that offends them. I have multiple warnings on here for the incorrigibly stupid, and yet somehow they manage to out-stupid even that and keep reading anyway! And then I get a whiny little message about how it's MY fault that I made their fragile male ego all limp!? How they are gargling on their nuts because i made their testicles ascend suddenly? It just makes me want to keep writing this wonderfully witty shit! Keep reading yourselves right out of the dating/breeding pool... My trap is working!!!
October 2012: Here's an article for the evolved man who wants to find a good partner (or for the stupid man that has zero grasp on the notion that women are people, and who needs a penis-clad person to point out the basic aspects of human decency)
