Tips on Gittin Sum 103: Nope Nope Nope
Pointers on how to show her you are a Desperate Douchebag:
1. Send shallow, punctuation-free messages where your first impression to her is that you find a part of her body interesting enough to make the ginormous effort of writing half a sentence. If you really want to stand out, send another message or two after you realize she doesn't respond. But this time, guilt trip her because she didn't respond to you at first.
2. If you are lucky enough to get a response from her, kiss her ass indefinitely until you feel completely entitled to ask her to do favors for you. You know.... saying things along the lines of "Hey, girl, I messaged you telling you that you're cute, so like give me your number, or send me naked photos of you because I'm so nice to you." Bonus jerk points to those who tell her she owes you! And speaking of pictures... Boys, I know I am not the only one you send those naked photos of your dicks and/or asses to, either. I'm not sure what's more amusing, the sunlight in your window when you "spontaneously" text a pic at 1am, or the fact that every surface in your house has been in direct contact with your teabags. How do you find the time....? Hmm, I wonder.
3. By all means, blame her for the fact that you never get responses from women! It's not you, it's us.
4. Live with your parents. Hey - I know times are tough and situations are different. But if you are being taken care of by someone other than you, all you are looking for in a dating website is the exact same thing, only with fucky-fucky privileges.
5. If you score yourself a first date, be extra Smoove and make sure SHE has to give you a ride home. Put her in that awkward position of having to choose between being a decent
human being to someone who isn't, or having to protect herself from the thoughtless bullshit by saying no. And of course, if she does err (and I do mean err) on the side of niceness, do invite her upstairs and joke about how that could be a rape scenario. It's so classy. Very sensitive and considerate. Who wouldn't want to have sex with you?
6. Don't take No for an answer. Make it very clear that it doesn't matter what she says, whether it is over message or in person. It is really useful to know when guys have no problems violating our requests.
7. Tell us what you think we want to hear, instead of the truth. We are women, therefore we will inevitably wither and die a horrible death at the first sign of an honest rejection. It makes you so manly to string us along and pretend you are being nice with "I like you" and "we'll get together soon," even though all you are doing is covering your woefully inadequate cojones by not saying "hey, maybe this is not a right match, but no regrets, you're cool" or whatever. Lack of balls is a great thing for us to know! FYI, I dumped a guy I had a purely sexual relationship with when he pulled the "I like your personality" shit, because he thought that was what I wanted to hear after shagging (I know I'm cool, but when there's no chemistry, there's no denying it). Sorry, but I found a dick to sit on that doesn't insult my intelligence in the process.
8. Tell us how much you want to go down on us. Especially before we've ever met. This one really blows my.... mind. Now, I do believe some of you really truly love to carpet munch selflessly for days on end. But if I had a nickel for every time I get propositioned from guys I don't know, I'd blow my wad in a sex toy store and have enough for a throbbing tip. Certainly, it doesn't occur to us ladies that your obsession with giving us oral might actually stem from the idea that you are just desperate to receive it. It's really touching too, how discriminating and charitable you must be, to offer cunnilingus to women you've never met. I'm particularly tickled at the two guys who offered to provide references from previously satisfied vagina owners in a valiant attempt to convince me. That's just not awkward at all! It makes me really want to call them and ask them utterly bizarre things - come on, guys, this is ME you are writing to. Fire up a couple of neurons and make an intelligent guess as to what I would ask them, hmmm? Here's a hint - don't expect past pussy to return to you for seconds after they talk to me!!
9. I can only assume that if you expect her to pay for her drink after you invited her, you will also expect her to pay for the condoms she is not going to buy for you.
10. Last but not least... pretend that what you do to one girl won't get around to the rest of us. Women have a hive mind. To be clear, we talk about everything. Every. Thing. Everything from your personality, to your smell, to your social standing, to the veins on your cock and how you manipulate said member. I may be spoken for, but I'm very well known for being quality control for my girlfriends' potential suitors - indeed the men are often warned about that. There is nothing I won't ask them or you, and I'm watching every single thing you do. Not just say, but do - body language tells me a lot more about you than your mouth. And I like staring indefinitely at you, it let's me know whether you are hiding something or not. You know how I say "don't piss me off"? Yeah well, don't piss THEM off either. I get waaaay too many jollies posting on this blog. plus, I'm looking out for all my girls. Rawr. I mean that.
